Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
