I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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