you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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