I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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