I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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