I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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