I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
These tits shall not be calmed
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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