I got chris browned last night
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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