I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
