Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So apparently I’m into choking now
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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