Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
