omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
