The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
