His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
