I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
