Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
