Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
