Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
