Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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