does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
