I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize