You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
