you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The air was thick with penises
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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