I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
