the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Text me some of your sweat
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize