i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
