I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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