I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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