did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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