it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we're so committed to being not committed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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