You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
