i need an iv and a liver transplant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
