This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
