how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
