apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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