Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
