I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
