May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
