I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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