I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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