How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize