The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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