I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize