I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
