piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They have beer where we have blood.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
