Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
