someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
These tits shall not be calmed
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize