I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
