I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize