It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
