I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
