drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
