i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
