We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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