"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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