This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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