: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
