I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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