Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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