Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
